Arguing mindlessly can be frustrating… Everyone has had the experience of arguing with family or friends at the dinner table, where you’re fighting to finish a sentence, while another person keeps interrupting, even yelling, as if somehow saying it louder will convince you to see it their way. Very frustrating!
…But it doesn’t have to be that way. Mindfulness helps bring the mind into the present moment for sustainable periods of time. With practice, this state of mind lets you simultaneously be self-aware and calm – a very useful state to cultivate, one that meditators refer to as “a spaciousness of mind”. With more headspace, you can listen, speak and debate without just reacting. Instead of arguing, you can take in information: listen, ponder, reflect, and then respond. Studies show that the more you listen and the less you say, the more people perceive you as being intelligent. I think people just appreciate being able to express their viewpoint and are happy you are actually listening. There is nothing more connecting than feeling understood. Of course, depending on the topic and your feelings about it, it can be difficult to remain calm. Still, the best outcomes always happen when someone knows how to argue intelligently.
Here is Philosopher Daniel Dennett on four steps to arguing intelligently.
How to compose a successful critical commentary:
- “You should attempt to re-express your target’s position so clearly, vividly, and fairly that your target says, “Thanks, I wish I’d thought of putting it that way”.
- You should list any points of agreement (especially if they are not matters of general or widespread agreement).
- You should mention anything you have learned from your target.
- Only then are you permitted to say so much as a word of rebuttal or criticism”.*
A tall order, but bringing some of these strategies to your next family gathering can make a big difference. In fact, the more you are able to reach this “spaciousness of mind,” the better you will be at seeing things more clearly. You might even reflect and think to yourself, as someone drones on, and on: “I guess this is what happens when you react to every thought and emotion that comes up in a heated argument. I can do better”.
* How to Criticize with Kindness: Philosopher Daniel Dennett on the Four Steps to Arguing Intelligently, “Brainpickings”, Maria Popova
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