It’s easy to find self-love maxims on the Internet and on social media; they are everywhere.
“How you love yourself is how you teach others to love you” – Rupi Kaur
“It’s all about falling in love with yourself and sharing that love with someone who appreciates you, rather than looking for love to compensate for a self love deficit.” – Eartha Kitt
“One of the best guides to how to be self-loving is to give ourselves the love we are often dreaming about receiving from others.” – Bell Hooks
Reading them, they mostly resonate and make sense. After all, we often give and are given this same advice. Yet, if we’re honest, we rarely feel this way. How do we love ourselves? Were we taught this growing up? Where is the road map? We might think that somehow, everyone else has self-love and that we should too. In reality, self-compassion and self-acceptance don’t come naturally, are not intuitive and are not easily attained. Not because we don’t try or see the fundamental wisdom of these truisms, but because we have a lot working against us. Self-compassion is difficult, requires effort and practice; here are three reasons, among many, why self-compassion is not automatic.
Our Conditioning
At a very young age, we all learn that there is something – I want to say “wrong” – with us, but really, it’s more a sense of having to better ourselves. We have much to learn and in striving to be better, there is an implicit feeling that we are not “good” enough. Well-meaning parents, family members, friends, and teachers all give us the message that when we work harder, are more disciplined, learn faster, are more charitable, more careful, and more discerning, we will be better people. We will be successful and happy. It’s no wonder that, deep down, we aren’t as in love with ourselves as we feel we should be. When you need so much mending, it’s natural to feel like something is broken. Linda Graham, in her book “Bouncing Back, Rewiring Your Brain For Maximum Resilience And Well Being” writes:
“Researchers have shown us that no one – not the Dalai Lama, not the president of the United States, not the most beloved child- is exempt from this process. Less-than-optimal conditioning is the human condition.”
Western Culture
As privileged as we may be in the West, it comes at a cost. Western consumer society is based on competition; there are always winners and losers. This means we’re always striving to compete, where someone will always appear to be better than us. Others will have more money, be more intelligent, or be more beautiful. When we’re constantly comparing ourselves, we will always find ourselves lacking. Advertising and social media also serve us a daily diet of messages that reminds us we are not good enough. One cannot underestimate how corrosive this conditioning is on our self-esteem and sense of self. Tara Brach, meditation teacher and author of “Radical Acceptance” explains in her blog, “Everybody has Buddha Nature,” that when the Dalai Lama was asked about self-hatred, he didn’t understand the term. She states:
“While all humans feel ashamed of weakness and afraid of rejection, our Western culture is a breeding ground for the kind of shame and self-hatred the Dalai Lama couldn’t comprehend.”
“We learn early in life that any affiliation — with family and friends, at school or in the workplace — requires proving that we are worthy. We are under pressure to compete with each other, to get ahead, to stand out as intelligent, attractive, capable, powerful, wealthy. Someone is always keeping score.”
In addition, our culture inoculates us with a need to always be productive. It is not uncommon to feel like we need to be striving toward success. A feeling of non-productivity also preys on us and has a corrosive effect on our self-worth. Harvey Schachter, in his article: “How to conquer time anxiety and productivity shame”, (The Globe & Mail, January 14, 2021) cites technology writer Stephen Altrogge:
“Productivity shame creates a cycle of failure. You feel ashamed of not being productive enough, which causes you to be less productive, which causes more shame. If the cycle gets bad enough, it can be paralyzing.”
The Brain’s Negative Bias
Unfortunately, we’re hard wired for the negative, which makes us remember and pay attention to anything that is bothering us. Neuroscientist Rick Hanson explains the brain’s negative bias by pointing out that our unpleasant experiences and memories stick to us “like Velcro” and positive ones bounce off of us “like Teflon.” This means that we usually underestimate our achievements, more frequently focus on our failures, and ruminate about our fears and anxieties. The brain’s negative bias is an adaptive mechanism, acquired through evolution to ensure the survival of our species. It helps us to make sure we remember that the crosswalk might be dangerous if we don’t pay attention to traffic, and that we shouldn’t walk alone late at night. On the other hand, it also works to continually highlight our perceived failures and disappointments that can exact a heavy price on our self-worth and self-esteem.
“While the negativity bias is good for survival in harsh conditions, it’s lousy for quality of life, fulfilling relationships, personal growth and long-term health. It makes us over-learn from bad experiences and under-learn from good ones” – Rick Hanson, Hardwiring Happiness
These three conditions work against our own desires to embrace oneself and do not make it conducive for self-compassion. So how do we learn to love ourselves? I believe there is a roadmap and the mindfulness compassion practice is a good place to start. My next blog “How To Love Yourself,” will explain how mindfulness research studies and evidence-based practices have proven effective in learning to cultivate self-acceptance, self-compassion and a sense of authenticity.